Sunday, October 30, 2011


As I pack my Freedom Express in preparation for our extended journey I’m reminded of the days I lived as a free spirit. I look back on my life and can still feel the absence of burden on my shoulders, the delight of fishing and hunting for my supper, the friendships of other like-minded people, the relentless energy felt daily, and the knowledge that I had my whole life ahead of me. I think of the past a lot. And I wonder where AnnaLee is hiding.

It is quite true what Philosophy says: that Life must be understood backwards. But that makes one forget the other saying: that it must be lived - forwards. However, I believe that the farther backward you look, the farther forward you are able to see. The sad thing is that you will only understand life once you've lived it, but you have to live it blindfolded.

Sometimes we grow in one dimension and not in another. Unevenly so to speak. We grow partially. We may be mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present.

At times it seems that I am living my life backward and with the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My life has covered me with wrinkles... wrinkles that hardships and worries have put there and that I have had the greatest trouble keeping at bay and can never be removed. Along with the visible wrinkles are invisible scars. You can't escape the scars of history, or the needs and neuroses you've picked up along the way.

Living backwards is confusing at first. However, one's memory works both ways. It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. A walk along with Alice through the looking glass has taught us that.

Chasing the past, I stumbled into the future. I have come to realize that when I am anxious about leaving on a journey it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed because I am going nowhere it is because I am living in the past. Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in-between these two extremes... is peace.



  1. What a great post with words that say so much! I feel the same way, living in the past can only bring you down. Looking forward is what keeps us going- living in the now is what brings forth peace. Its finding that peace that seems the most difficult. Have a great time in Texas-I will keep following your blog.
    Take Care

  2. Great post, Gypsy! .... did I write this for you? hmmm don't remember giving you permission to use it.


    ahhhhhh life and its subsidiaries... I've been around for 68 years and 7 months. man oh manischewitz ...

    chasing the past... I'm gonna ponder that a bit... I think present fear/depression is because of past occurrences.... conditioning. Ridding ourselves of knee jerk reactions is a hard row to hoe.

    The wrinkles and thinning hair are attributable to our past. daily reminders.

    BUT... we do have the wisdom to know the difference by now of things we cannot change ... our courage is to keep on planning...

    hell of a deal ;)

  3. Wonderful post, I love how you've been able to put my feelings into words. How did you know?

  4. Focus on your dreams rather than your history....saw that on a sign. Liked it so much that I put it in my cell phone so I could remind myself of this from time to time. Have one hell of a great trip girl!!

  5. Hi Janine, Thanks for the compliment. I'm sure a lot of us feel the same. I'm searching for a feeling. Something felt long ago. It's illusive but I think sometimes that I'm within reach of it.

    Hey Carolyn, Glad you enjoyed my little post. In the last 20 years I haven't really had time to 'chase after my past' been a little too busy surviving. But now the time presents itself to me. Not trying to relive it or change anything... just trying to feel "it" again. Not sure if that makes sense.

    Hi Kate, Your feelings, too, huh? I just knew it.

    Hi TexCyn, What if your history is your dream? Things to ponder, I guess. I hope to have one hell of a great trip. Thanks.

  6. I share many of those same thoughts at this time of life.

  7. Hi Kim, I am constantly conscious of the fact that we are not isolated creatures in the midst of an overpopulated universe. Many of us share insights that are significantly simple.

  8. Oh no, my history is definitely NOT my dream! Unless I'm having nightmares....
    Hope you are having a great trip already!